Identity

I have been in deep thought lately about one thing...WHO AM I? Many times I think about how I view myself or how others see me, yet I always come away from that thinking, "I'm nothing special." Don't get me wrong, I am not here implying that I think bad of myself or am worried about the views, expressions, or implications made by other people. I simply wonder what people think of me or what I truly think of myself.

In losing a Grandfather & a Father in less then 2 weeks, I have found myself contemplating my identity. If I were to die, what would people say about me at a memorial service? Would they value their time with me & wish for more? Would they be sad I'm gone, but be relieved I'm not longer here? Would they tell of my story, character, & presence or would they be grasping at straws to say nice things? What identity would shine through at that moment? It is the perfect example of your legacy when people gather to comemorate your life.

Yet, profoundly I was brought to Matthew 16:15-17. Jesus himself looked at his disciples, facing his own death, & said "Who do you say I am?" See Jesus wanted to know who they truly thought he was. Not the right answer, not the feel good answer, & not even the elequent answer. He simply wanted the truth...WHO DO YOU SAY I AM? I know how Jesus see's me. He see's me as His beloved, His chosen one, His treasure, & His child! I am confident & comfortable in my identity in Christ. But, who do YOU say that I am?

You see, I can live in my religious bubble, go to church every Sunday, "pray" for people when they need it, & walk an upright & moral life. However, what difference am I really making on the world? Matthew 5:16 talks about letting your light shine before men. As religous people, we get so caught up on doing the right thing, not sinning, & being a good person. I'm here to say today that I don't want to just be a good person. I don't want people to just say about me at my memorial service that I lived a great life. I don't want people to just say that I had great character. I don't want people to say just say that I will be greatly missed.

If all I live for is to be a good Christian, then I believe I have missed Jesus' point all together. Jesus came to do away with the law/religion so that we may "live life to the fullest" (John 10:10). Jesus said in John 14:12 that we will do even greater things then He did.

When I pass away, I want it to be said of me:

• He walked in power
• He healed the sick
• He saved the lost
• He served the downtrodden
• He layed his life down for his friends
• He moved me to righteousness
• He led me into Jesus' arms
• He walked his faith out with such authority
• He mentored
• He discipled
• He LOVED

My Grandfather & Father lived great lives & were great men that I highly respect & miss. However, in reflection of them I realize now more then ever that their ceiling is my floor. The legacy that they left is where I get to begin. I want so much more for myself & in all respect I know they would want that for me too. I want so much more for my children.

What is my identity? Who am I? I am...Robby David Gilliam. I am firmly established in His grip. I am annointed for such a time as this to do greater things on this earth. I am...ME! Are you?

Memory Lane

(My Dad with us in August for his 65th birthday)

 My Dad has struggled through many illnesses over the past 5 1/2 years. He first got diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer in the Spring of 2005. He battled through radiation, chemo therapy, massive surgury, numerous invasive procedures, & sickness. He looked cancer in the eye, laughed, & said "is this all you got?" That's just the type of guy my dad was. He most recently got diagnosed with liver failure. This was a battle he was prepared to fight just as hard & long as he fought everything else. However, this was a battle he didn't have the strength to stand up to.

My dad had a health scare on October 19th at home & my mom rushed him to the emergency room. We learned that my dad's organs were shutting down & the liver failure had finally caught up to him. Our entire family spent the next 10 days visiting my dad in the ICU everyday. We had great conversation with my dad everyday. We talked about memories, talked about how much we loved each other, talked about God, talked about Heaven & what it will be like, we talked about how to go on without him, we talked about how he felt about all of us, we talked about taking care of each other, & the most important thing is my dad was at total peace over his stay in the hospital.

(My happy, good-looking dad)

 I got a phone call from my mom at work on Friday. She explained to me that the doctor & my dad had both made the comment that "He wasn't going to make it past today." I got in touch with all of my sisters & we all rushed over to the hospital. When we arrived, my dad was alert, smiling, & very stoic. He explained that "today was Game Day & that he knew everything was coming to an end on earth for him." We spent the next hours remincing, praying, & talking about him going to spend time with Jesus. The best part was my Dad got to pass along a final blessing. My Dad looked me in the eyes & told me "You are the best kid I have ever known." I can't tell you how good it was to hear that, but yet hard to hear at the same time. It was so cool to hear your Father on his death bed, share how proud of you he was. My dad then gave all 5 of us kids very simple, but direct instructions: "I love you all very much and am so proud of each of you. Take care of each & your mother. & please keep doing God's work." My Dad had a heart connection with God about 9 days prior & was enamoured with the thought of going home to Heaven. It was amazing to hear what I would call a Abraham/Isaac blessing from my father before he passed.

Many things transpired over the next few hours after my dad gave us his goodbye commision. To explain in words without me sharing the full experience wouldn't do it justice. However, what I will say is October 29th was the most amazing day of my life. My dad peacefully & bravely went home to be with Jesus at 9:50 pm. We were all there with my dad the moment he dad. It was such a spiritual & peaceful moment for us all. We couldn't of asked for anything better. We all got to experience it & say goodbye to my dad as he passed away.

I will miss my dad forever & remember all of the good times with him. I had the privelage of becomming very close to my dad over the last 5 years. We became dear friends & talked about almost everything. I got to know my dad on such a deep level & because of that to see him go Friday was exactly how he would have wanted. He was a great man that once you dove past his exterior, you were amazed by his character. I love my dad & will miss him, but he taught me so much that his legacy will live on everyday of my life.

(My Dad & Mouse in August)

 Three weeks ago Sara's Grandpa "Mouse" passed away. His legacy was just as vast as my dad & he was an amazing man in his own right. I only got the privelage of being around him for 5 years, but he was one of the best men I have ever met. He always had a smile on his face & he always wanted you to know how special you were. He was a dad/grandpa/uncle to everyone he met regardless of blood relation.

My dad & him both found out about their cancer around the same time. They both fought it extremely hard & survived much longer than any doctor had projected. Through the years of Sara & I getting married & starting a family, my dad & mouse became "fighting partners" as my dad affectionetly termed it. In August at Ally's 1-year birthday party, they were all smiles. They told each other to keep fighting, to make sure their families knew how they felt about them, & to keep smiling & trusting God no matter what. When Mouse suddenely passed away 3 weeks ago, my dad was devestated. He shared how much he cared about Mouse & how much having a "fighting partner" meant to him. Oddly, my dad went downhill one week exactly after Mouse had passed away.

I will miss Mouse & Dad dearly. They were fantastic guys & I feel honored to of called them family. I can't wait to tell my kids stories about them & how great their Great-Grandpa & Grandpa were.

This week is "Spiritual Renewal Week" at Western Mennonite. Obviously this is a huge week for me as I'm in charge of it & still dealing with all of my family stuff. The cool thing is what God is doing through all of this. We have had 24 students give their hearts to God for the first time or rededicate. We have had countless others want to linger in God's presence & pray for their friends to find the truth. It has been such an amazing, yet simplistic showing of God's love & favor over our campus. I have been so encouraged this week as our students have really opened themselves up for God to speak into their lives. 

God is faithful & always knows what we need before we even do. This week has been really hard for Sara, Ally & I, but we are hanging in there & trusting in God's grace & peace. I have connected with this video & it has been my guiding force through this week...

Baggage

Baggage...we all have it, but why? As little kids we are raised to keep baggage. From the first time someone lies to you, to the first time you are told no, to the first time you fail, to our families, to personal sin or struggle. We all slowely hold our hurts close to us. Just as you see in any airport, everyone has their own type of luggage. It looks different for each people. Some try to disguise theirs with bright colors & radient designs. Some choose boxes, some choose boxes on wheels, some choose small carry bags, but in the end it is all baggage.

We can put anything into our luggage through the years. We pack away our hurts & carry them with us. We pack away the Bible that people may have forced on us. We pack away the "What if's" in life. Here's the kicker though...we pack away our dreams in the farthest & deepest corner of our baggage. It is impossible to fulfill, live out, or even ponder our dreams without dealing with our hurt, past, & insecurities. The thought of dumping all of our luggage to find our dreams again is so taxing that we just choose to continue carrying those heavy things around. Even worse, we think it would be so embarrassing to reveal what is in our bags so we refuse anyone to even help us carry them. "Giving them up? psssh...I'm just trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I have no energy to even think about working through my stuff!"

& so we continue. We continue to hurt. We continue to just get by. We continue to stumble through our lives lugging these huge bags around with us. They entangle us & engulf us. We think that they don't affect us, but the reality is that every decision we make is with these bags in mind. "Oh, I can't do that. I'm no good at that." or "I'll never be any good at that...you don't know my past." So we struggle & struggle & struggle hoping that someday we'll figure it out.

What breaks my heart is that we believe the lie that we have to carry around our baggage! John 8:36 says "So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free." Why do we struggle through our life & try to crawl to the cross when we are already free? Why do we beat ourselves up thinking we have to come to the Father beaten, battered, & bruised? Christ didn't forgive you & go to the cross because we asked for it & deserved his grace. He went because he knew we needed it & CHOSE to deliver us before we even knew we needed it. Everything you have done & anything you will do in the future is already forgiven. Jesus didn't say to the man, "You're forgiven, but just this once." NO! He said, "You are forgiven!" We walk in shame & believe lies. We are forgiven. The contents of our baggage are already on the cross. Why are we choosing to carry around momentoes to remind us of who we were? Jesus said "You are new creations!" Live in freedom. Live with unabandoned love & grace that is freely given to you each & every day. Let go of your condemnation, guilt, shame, & past. Release the baggage of life. There is a great video I want to share that I think wraps up my thought:

As for Sara & I...we are doing extremely well. Allison is getting bigger by the day. She is walking everywhere & trying to talk any chance she gets. Sara has been doing well as we prepare for baby Gilliam #2. We will be having the baby on March 15th & we are extremely excited to meet our new addition. I am adjusting well to my new position at Western. I am loving working with the kids & the spiritual climate of Western seems like it is about to explode. God has been so faithful in my transition to this new job & as busy as it keeps me, I truly do love it.

As for our families, things have been a little rough. My parents have been struggling through health concerns. They are both doing ok, but everyday it seems like something new pops up with them. I just pray each day that they both will find rest. To top it off, they moved this month. So it has been a LONG week for Sara, my sister Shelly & I moving them. Hopefully we will move the last of their stuff tonight out of a house they have lived in for 13 years.

On another note, Sara's Grandpa is battling through cancer. It has been a long journey for him & it appears he is coming to the end of his long battle with it. It has been tough seeing him struggle through this debilitating disease, but we have been blessed to have so many good times with him. We had a great visit with him on Saturday & we are trusting God to be in control no matter what happens in the coming days.

Other than that, life has been good for Sara & I. We feel so blessed & so thankful for God's provision in our life. Life changes are never easy, but if you focus on the future & let the past be the past, we have found such great joy even through the storms of life.

Happy Birthday Allison

Today marks Allison Faith Gilliam's 1st birthday! I remember this day last year vividly in my memory. I remember eating Chinese food with Sara after our final OB appointment. I remember the food making her stomach ache so we went for a 2 hour walk in the gym. I remember her water breaking in bed at 2am. I remember thinking she "wet" the bed & we went back to sleep after changing the sheets. I remember driving to the hospital at 3:30am after we realized it was her water breaking. I remember the 10 hour, no drug, labor my wife went through & thinking she was my hero after seeing how amazing she did. I remember the pure joy of seeing my daughter pulled out of my wife's stomach after an emergency C-section. I remember cutting my daughter's umbilical cord. I remember naming her while our family proudly snapped pictures. 

What a beautiful day it was to invite little Allison Faith into the world. We thought she was absolutely gorgeous...yes, even despite the massive cone-head!

No Ally is not so little anymore. She is crawling at top speed, starting to walk everywhere, saying every word she can possibly learn to say, & making our lives incredible by her being in it. She is so much fun to be around. I have not had Ally around anyone who has not said, "My goodness, she is such a happy baby." She is always laughing, smiling, talking, waving, or doing her "tricks" for people. Her new favorite is pictured above. She will stand on her head & look between her legs. She thinks she is sooooo cool when she does it. I'm trying to teach her how to do a somersault as she is so close, but she's not quite there yet. 

Ally, we love you! You are such a blessing & a joy to have in our life. We are so excited for all of your new adventures. (Her first one starts today... car seat facing forward!)

Another thought that has had me pondering is the idea of grace. I know grace comes from Jesus & Jesus is quoted as actually saying he IS grace. I got all that. The thing that has Sara & I amazed this week is a simple thought our pastor said on Sunday. He was sharing the story where the Pharasee's where about ready to stone a woman & Jesus said "let you without sin throw the first stone." Great story, but not new revelation. I've heard it a hundred times. Here's the pondering thought. Jesus told her when asked why he did it "you are forgiven! Now go & sin no more." That is the perfect enactment of grace right there. How often in our lives do we say without really meaning to say "now go, sin no more & THEN you will be forgiven." It's like we want a penchant for the other persons sin.

Have you ever said, heard, or thought "I know your sorry, but I'm still hurt at what you did!" It is our self emotion getting in the way of their forgiveness & their release. If someone lies to you, why do we get so offended? If someone betrays you, why do we get so hurt? If someone talks bad about you, why do we get all depressed? Jesus didn't. He said "YOU ARE FORGIVEN ALREADY! Now go & sin no more." Simple, yet profound. If you can truly die to self where you emotions are no longer an issue, things will become so much more clear. Your emotions are what skew your vision. Your emotions are what get you thinking about I & not we. Your emotions are the very essence of 'self'. Emotions can be used for good in so many areas, but only when they are thinking about others. Once your emotions become about you, look out...a selfish moment is coming.

Are you holding a grudge? Are you holding onto past hurt? Are you waiting for someone else to fix the hurt for you? Are you waiting for the person who wronged you to sweep you off your feet? Maybe it's not them who needs to move on. Maybe you are letting your emotions rule?

LET THEM WITHOUT SIN THROW THE FIRST STONE. SEE, I AM FORGIVEN & SO ARE YOU! NO BIG DEAL...LET'S MOVE ON, ENJOY LIFE, & SIN NO MORE BECAUSE GOD KNOWS I WILL SCREW UP SOON TOO.

Whirlwind

Sometimes recently I feel like my life is a bit...well...crazy! It has not been overly busy or overwhelming to the point where I am counting down the days until vacation (33). Every day I feel like I have accomplished more than what I needed to, & don't feel stressed whatsoever. However, I find myself longing for the mundane & menial tasks of life. I was sharing with Sara the other day that a part of me misses the routine of the business world. I knew what to expect every day I walked into my office. I knew exactly what I needed to get done that day & how I was going to do it. My current job is anything but "routine". Everyday it seems like there is some surprise that I need to handle, some kid that I need to talk to, or some trip I need to make into town. 

Even through all of the 'end-of-the-year' craziness, I still am incredibly thankful for the way things are going. The best way I can find to describe my life right now is that I'm a house sitting in a meadow. By no request, choice, or decision of mine a whirlwind has shown up. Yet this whirlwind is not destroying everything in its path. Instead, is is simply stretching my beyond the limits I had thought I was capable of. Isaiah 54:2 says:

  Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back;

lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. 

This verse has been resonating in me lately. To say that God has already put me through a massive learning curve in my adult life thus far is the understatement of the century. I have not had a normal young adult life at all. I have been thrust into things, groomed for things, taught lessons, given leadership, had to make vital decisions, & had to learn skills for which I'm never sure why I need them. So to 'enlarge my tent' is something that I am used to. In my mind though I have made it where God wants me. I am fulfilling everything God has put in my heart. I'm working with kids, working in missions, coaching, & able to be with my family everyday. What else could God possibly want me to do now? Silly I should ask...you would think I would learn!

Through many conversations & prayer, Western has asked me to be the Spiritual Life Director. This is something that I am extremely excited about, yet nervous all the same. I have some extremely big shoes to fill from the guy that is departing, but I have never felt better about any decision I have made. I am excited for what God is doing on our campus & I am very anxious to see how God will use me next year to work in the lives of the students here. 

I am shocked at how God works. When I was in High School here at Western there were 4 things that I wanted. Coach Basketball, Youth Pastor, Manage People, & have a family. When I evaluated those things in career class, I assumed there was no way to do all of those things & in most circles it isn't. So naturally I chose the thing that would bring be the most money & that was managing people. I had given up that I could do all 4 & do all 4 effectively. Isn't that just when God comes in? Right when you have assumed your dreams aren't attainable & you create more "realistic" ones he is finally given the opportunity to be GOD! 

Next year I will be youth pastoring everyday here on campus through the new position I have. I will be managing people through my Dorm Director position. I will be coaching basketball for my 8th year here at Western next year. The best one though? I get to work with my wife & daughter everyday. Not only do I have a family, but I don't have to go to work everyday & not get to spend time with my wife & daughter. I can not think of a better situation for Sara & I. God is in a word...GOOD!

This week is going to be long for me. I started this morning with a 6am run to the bus station for a kid. Tomorrow it's 4am. Friday is 3:45am. Saturday is 3am. Sunday is 4am. After the last PDX run I think I will spend my Father's Day sleeping. It's going to be long, but I will miss all of our kids. Summer is upon us!

Silver Creek Falls

Sara & I ventured to Silver Creek Falls today to go for a hike as a family. We invited some of our good friends, Justin & Melissa Sainton. They just had little Ava 4 months ago. We had an incredible time! It was beautiful weather in the Willamette Valley & we enjoyed taking Allison on a hike.

It is amazing to me how much Allison brightens my day. She is truly a joy to me & I simply cannot imagine my life without her. It's amazing to me how I could go almost 24 years without her & yet 10 months into her life...I never want to know what it's like without her.

She is starting to create her own little personality. It is incredible to see her grow & learn new things. She is "talking" all the time now & is very mobile. She moves all over the house & attempts to get into everything. She was such a trooper today. At this point we had gotten soaked by walking behind the falls & she was still having fun.

Things have been rather busy for Sara & I recently. Wrapping up the end of the year is always a little crazy. I have 12 seniors graduating & 20 kids we have to coordinate to get home. The end of the year is approaching fast! It seems Christmas was just yesterday & yet here we are heading into finals week on Monday. Where does time go?

At the same time I could say the same thing about my daughter. Today marks 10 months old exactly. I remember rushing Sara to the hospital & waiting for our little sugar to come into this world. I remember the ups & downs & labor. I remember the sudden decision to have a C-Section. Yet, here we are at 10 months. Her 1-year birthday is right around the corner. I remember my parents always saying, "When you get older, time just flies by!" Did I believe them? Of course not! When you're a kid time seems to go at a snails pace. Summers seem to last forever & school years are an eternity. Where does the time go when you become an adult? It's as if God says "Now that your starting to figure things out...try it at double speed."

Sara & I are quickly approaching our 3 year anniversary. I looked at her today while we were at the falls & I realized how lucky I am. I married my best friend & truly my better half. She is an amazing woman & such a good wife/mother. I realized as she was holding Allison while running behind the falls (as we got soaked mind you) that I am quite the lucky man. She is fun, spontaneous, happy, quirky, lovable, kind, sweet, affectionate, & simply perfect for me. I may sound sappy, love struck, or whatever phrase you may chose to pick, but the reality is I do love my wife! As our 3rd year quickly approaches, I am reflecting a lot about our life & what do I find? My wife & daughter are simply the best!

Park Fun

Sara & I had an amazing time with Allison at the park this afternoon. We let her ride the swing set & slide down the slide. She had a blast. She seemed to be enamored by all of the busyness of the park. She loved looking at all the of the kids & parents, the dogs, ducks, & squirrels. She especially enjoyed all the plants & flowers. As we pushed her in the stroller, she tried to reach out & grab every plant she passed. She is becoming so curious & has quite the little personality!

Parenthood has been such a joy to experience. I can't imagine my life with out my little Ally. She brightens my day even throughout a busy & stressful day. I can be yelled at on the phone & then see her & well.....she makes me forget about it. She is completely dependent on me for everything in her life, yet I don't know what I would do without her.

On another note, Sara & I are in the midst of a housing change. Western has been so gracious in their housing meetings with us. They have gone out of their way to try to bless us & make sure we feel cared for & comfortable here at Western. We absolutely love our job & things (although busy) have been going great in our dorm. I have taken on quite a bit more responsibility this year & had to deal with more paper work, meetings, & discipline. In the end though, I have enjoyed every bit of it. I strangely enjoy challenges. Sara & I can see ourselves doing this job for a very long time & we are excited to see what happens over the summer. We are anxious to explore new housing options with the administration of this school & see our dorm continue to flourish under our watch.

So I haven't blogged in quite a while & I don't really know why. I love writing & I love spreading my thoughts over my blog pages. I have received numerous e-mails, texts, or phone calls from my blog followers wondering why I stopped posting & the reason? I HAVE NO CLUE. Things have not been to busy, nor have they been too stressful to write. Things have been calm, cool, & collected. Yet I found myself never clicking into the blog that I love. What I can say is 2010 has been better then any year I have had the privilege to live in. My personal family is flourishing, we have been so financially blessed recently, & I have developed such a zeal for life recently.

I successfully made it through knee surgery (finally!) & my knee is doing fantastic. It feels so much better & there is rarely any pain minus the normal rehab process from surgery. We made it through Promises' litter of puppies & housed them in our little apartment for 5 weeks. It was such a fun experience with Allison & the puppies. It made memories for Sara & I that we will never forget.

In short if I could sum up the time I spent away from this blog over the past 2 months it would be the exact quote I have in the title of it: "In the end it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." It has been a great spring & I can't wait to see what God has in store for me this summer.

I can promise this.....I will post again soon!

Follow The Leader

"The very essence of leadership is that you have to have vision. You can't blow an uncertain trumpet."

Theodore M. Hesburgh

As I sat in my office this afternoon overlooking our quad here at Western, I was overcome with this pounding thought..."When did I become the leader?"

I have always been told I have "leadership" qualities. I have always been told to be careful how I act as I influence many people around me, but lets be real for a second. Most of what adults tell you is to "persuade" or as I call it passively control you to get you to live a way they want you to. Most words are nothing but fluff & they don't carry much meaning to an adolescent.

That being said, here I sit in my black office chair, holding my daughter as I ponder when did I move from follower to leader? I remember being in school & idolizing 3 men. One was my youth pastor. He was always calm, cool, & collected. He always knew what to say, when to say it, & how to influence. He was, for all intent & purpose, the quintessential "cool" guy. Second was my principal/basketball coach. He always had an ear to hear my ramblings. He always had a knack to knock me off my high horse, yet make me feel like I'm the one who chose to get off. He always had a story or advice for everything & above all he treated me as an equal.

Third is my dad. Now my dad has always been an amazing man to me. Mysterious & stoic, yet provider & tender. I can't tell you the respect I had for my dad growing up hearing the stories of his upbringing & his journey through life. He went from a Marine to a guy who had to figure out to do with his life. My dad moved from courtesy clerk in a grocery store to store manager faster then most people finish an Associate Degree. He then saved enough money with my mom to buy numerous stores of their own. He was never a lazy man. He worked on our farm & yet in his off time found time for hobbies such as flying, skiing, boating, & golf. Some may look at my dad & say "He wans't the greatest dad. He did this, this & this, wrong." & I would tell you that you are exactly right. My dad wasn't perfect. We weren't this little 'Leave it to Beaver' family, but you have to know where a man comes from to see where he's going. From where my dad came from was incredible & where he took our family...I am in awe at his leadership. My Father will always be respected in my mind for reasons I could never begin to explain to you.

(In one final thought on my dad...He has battled pancreatic cancer over the past 5 years & has fought harder than any of us thought were possible. He is now fighting a new battle with liver disease. Dad, our love, prayer, & support are with you. We Love You!)

I have seen men lead me for years. I have seen men show me the way & always offer advice. Those men are still around me in some capacity or another. Because nothing has changed in my "following" I didn't ever look back to see if I was leading as well. I reflect on my job here at Western & it amazes me at the impact I carry every day. Today alone I had a young man seek me out to ask my opinion on his life. Who am I to give him life advice, but yet there I sat trying to steer him in a way that would lead him to success. I have become what everyone told me all along I was. I make an impact in students' lives everyday. My official title is Dorm Director/International Program Director/Student Council Director (long I know). However, what I realized my real title is? "Life Coach". I took a week off of work due to my surgery & it was amazing today, my first day back, how many people missed me or were genuinely concerned with my well being. Some I don't even interact with much, yet here they are asking me how I was doing & telling me they missed me.

Everyone wants & needs to be led by someone or something. The question is not if you're a leader or not. The question is who am I leading & to what? I try every day to live a life that points to Christ. I want my life to ooze with Jesus' character. What is your life showing? What are your actions telling someone behind you? If they emulate or imitate you, how will their results turn out?

Someone is following you...where are you taking them? 

Knee Surgery

Tomorrow I am having arthroscopic knee surgery. They are clearing out a lot of scar tissue & cleaning a lot of frayed pieces of ligaments, cartilage, & clearing out a lot of arthritis. Depending on what they see in there they will decide if we are going to have to do a fairly serious surgery where they detach the patella tendon & reattach it in a tighter pattern to hold the knee cap more in place. However, the only way to reattach it is with 5 screws into my leg!

I'm excited for tomorrow as this surgery has been over 8 years coming, but I'm very nervous obviously. I would appreciate your prayers tomorrow. I trust my doctor, but...you never know. 

6-Months

Allison Faith is 6 months old today! She has grown so much over the past 6 months that it is crazy to think of her being a newborn once. I remember vividly, holding her in my arms once she came into this world. I remember, like it was yesterday, cutting her cord & calling her by name for the very first time. I remember her grabbing my hand oh so tightly as I cleaned her off out of the womb. I remember changing her first diaper.

So many things have happened in this little girl's life. So many exciting moments & eventful impasses in her life so far. I am honored to be her Father. Sara & I were talking last night, on the eve of her 6 month birthday, how challenging parenting was. It has stretched us in more ways then I can even begin to explain in words on this blog. Allison was a baby who started to sleep through the night by 6-weeks. So nights have not been rough at all, but recently she has started to teeth & boy does she let us know those little gums hurt at 2am in the morning. Eventually as a parent you begin to run on empty as your running in different directions all the time & you're not getting your rest to recuperate.

What Sara & I came to realize though is that through all of the stretching, selflessness, & responsibility that comes with parenting...we wouldn't trade a moment of it. It has been the most rewarding thing I have ever gone through in my life. It has made me a better man & husband. I absolutely love being the doting father to my little Ally. So today I celebrate my daughter! I could not ask for a better wife & daughter. I love my girls!

Before I know it I will be writing her "1-year" blog post!

Friends

I had a very interesting conversation with my wife the other day about friends. We likened friends unto a pair of jeans that you have. We settled on 3 different kinds of jeans:

1. The tight "look good" jeans - You know the pair I'm talking about. The pair you have to squeeze into. The pair you look good in, but they just aren't that comfortable. The pair you wear to impress or to feel good about yourself, but you sure aren't going to be bending over for the quarter you see on the side walk.
2. The "fashionably" torn/comfy jeans - This is the pair that is intentionally torn or cut by the store before you even buy them. The ones that look worn to make the appearance of comfort, but in reality they simply need to be broken in just like the "look good" jeans.
3. The good old "comfy" jeans - Old reliable. The ones that are so stretched out that they would still fit even if you gained 5 lbs. They are faded & worn just enough. They may be torn or stained, but if you are looking for comfort...these are the ones.

Why am I talking about jeans? How the heck does this have anything to do with friends. Well let me ask you something...what type of close friends do you have? Do you have friends that are shallow? Do you have friends that you can't be yourself with? Do you have friends that you have you to pretend to be something you're not? I everyone can point to some friend that is like the "tight" pair of jeans. It might even be someone you wish you could get closer to, but at the end of the day they just aren't "that friend".

How about a friend that you can share your heart with & let your hair down a bit with, but still have some sort of prestige & glamor with? Someone you can be honest with to an extent, but no share your deepest heart with. Someone that builds you up & makes you feel good about yourself, but doesn't want to hear all your junk because it's about appearance.

How about that friend that you can 100% be yourself with? That friend you can have over for dinner & simply put on a pair of sweats & chat about how busy & crazy your week was.

I think we put too much focus & emphasis on the "look good" jeans/friends. They are the people that might be above you or more important. The people you wish you could get close to. The people that maybe you have ulterior motives to pursue. These friends are not bad to explore, but most of us put all of our focus on these relationships. Once we develop this type of friendship, we "wear" it all the time to feel good about ourselves & to make us feel accomplished.

Everyone needs a "fashionable" pair of jeans/friend. The friend that always builds you up & sees the treasure you truly are. That friend that isn't concerned with your life as much as they are your potential. This type of friend challenges us & pulls us to excellence in our life.

What many of us don't have, however, is that friend that you always rely on. That friend that you can count on no matter what the circumstances. The type of friend that no matter how bad your life is, they will stand with you through it all. The friend that knows your junk & loves you more because of it. The friend that isn't trying to make you feel good or require you to act a certain way to be with them. They are simply "being" with you. Living life & journeying with you.

I have been blessed with many friends over my short life thus far. I have been given MANY "look good" friends. I have been given quite a few "fashionable" friends, but I have been blessed with a few "comfy" friends that I would not trade for the world.

One of my comfy friends has been with me for a long time & through so much stuff it is incredible to think they still hang with me. They have seen my lowest lows & my highest highs. I have another comfy friend that has morphed from a "look good" friend to a close friend that I trust with every decision in my life. Another one is a newer to this category for me, but I trust them like a brother & would do anything for them.

After talking about this with my wife, I realized that we all need one friend we can count on. One friend we can vent to. One friend we can explore our dreams with. The trap that so many of us fall into is that we let this person be our spouse or children. What a shame this is. It robs us from the fulfillment a true friend can be. I'm am by no means saying our spouce or children cannot be one of our best friends. I am, however, saying that you need to find a pair of jeans to wear in addition to your wife or husband. Not only will this be good for your marriage/relationship, but this will revitalize you. It will allow you to give your best to your family.

Regretfully you can't just go buy a comfy friend like you can that perfect pair of jeans. You also can't be sure that friend will be comfy right away. Sometimes you get lucky, as I said earlier, & you find that friend & right away you know you connect & trust each other. Although, most times it is something that takes a lot of work & time. It takes trust & faith in knowing they want the same relationship you do.

I can tell you one thing...I could never love my wife the way I do & I definetly would not be where I am today without the support of these 3 friends in my life. The cool thing is I know without a doubt they feel the same about me. Friends a pecious gift, & just like that comfy pair of jeans that although they are torn, painted on, & wearing thin...we don't dare throw them out. They are priceless & can always be trusted.

I heard this quote today & thought I would leave this post with it: "A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, & accepts you just the way you are."

Position

"Position Yourself"...that has been the word resonating in my head lately. How do I position myself & for what rather? Am I positioning myself to be used? Am I positioning myself for success? Am I positioning myself for shear greatness? What does it mean & why do I need to do it?

The fact is we are all positioning ourself in one facet or another. Positioning ourselves for advancement in our workforce. Positioning for the attention of a significant other. Positioning ourselves for happiness in the otherwise mundane day to day activities. We are all positioning ourselves for something. The question I had to come to terms with was not why or how but what??!!!??

What am I positioning for. What at the core of me is my position? Everything I do in my life is showing my position. Everything I say & focus on is giving a glimpse into what I am positioning myself for. As a basketball coach, I teach my boys every day to work themselves into proper position. If a shot goes up it doesn't matter where you are on the floor as long as you quickly position yourself to get the rebound. Same goes with playing defense. Position is everything in basketball. In life though isn't it the same? As we focus on our can't miss tv show isn't that showing our position? As we fixate on the stress in our lives rather then relax & allow life to come to us isn't that shining a light on our position? As we agonize over our already failed New Years resolutions....ok maybe that one was too soon! =)

Every decision I make is showing my position in life. What I value & hold in high esteem is based on what decisions I make. My position in life is a direct reflection of the way I live it. If I position myself to put a great emphasis on such a small part of my life (let's say coaching), then that shows I value it more then the big things in my life (let's say my wife & daughter). If I position myself to watch tv every night & never read, does it not show I value it more then growing & learning? I think you get where I'm going with this.

I leave you with this thought. Value is described by Webster as "the worth of something in terms of the amount of other things for which it can be exchanged for." What do you value? Once you find that, what is it worth in your life if you were to exchange it? There you will find your position...& there you will find the light bulb turning on!