Investment

Investments have been on my mind lately. As my family begins to grow I am faced with decisions often of how to take care of them, how to provide for the future, & how to make investments that grow even in this economy.

Investment is a deep word that can mean so many different things. One of the ways that Webster describes it is "to use, give, or devote (time, talent, etc.), as for a purpose or to achieve something." This thought has monopolized my mind lately...what am I investing in?

Every day we spend time doing things. We go to work, we talk with people, we run errands, we pay bills, we watch tv, we play with our children, and some of us even spend time with God. In the end though we are all investing into those things. The Bible talks about where your treasure is there your heart lies also. We don't invest time & energy into things that we don't have a vested interest in...or do we?

Every day only has 24 hours. We can choose to do what we want with that 24 hours, but typically we let it decide for us. We sleep during this time, we eat during this time, & we work during this time. Some of our decisions are made for us & some are not. At the end of the day though you can feel like a hamster on a wheel working your butt off & going no where fast. The hamster has no investment into that wheel. No matter how much it runs on that wheel it will get nothing back from it. That wheel is simply something to do to pass the time away.

When I honestly stopped & put value to everything in my life I realize how out of balance I can become. If time is money, then what am I putting my "money" into? Am I taking time for my kids & not just time but quality, devoted, "the best part of me not the leftover of me" time. Am I taking time for my wife & romancing her the way she deserves? Am I taking time for extended family & supporting them in their journeys & championing them into their dreams? Am I taking time for...& the list can go on & on? Now for me, my investment analysis is even harder. I invest into the youth of Western Mennonite School every day. I hear their problems, I hear their dreams & I invest my heart & soul into them, but I find myself left with nothing at the end of the day.

Everyone is like a bank account. If all people do all day is withdraw from you, the you will eventually go bankrupt until you refill yourself. We all need to be deposited into to keep a healthy balance. If something is constantly withdrawing & never depositing then you need to evaluate if you need that in your life. Investments yield returns. Some high returns, some moderate, & some low, but returns is a must. Now some investments can be risks where you'll show a loss for a while, but eventually a return on the investment comes. If you have been in a job, a relationship, a friendship, or involved in a hobby for longer than a year & it is still only taking from your bottom line then you need to evaluate your investments.

Now I am not here saying "If someone doesn't add to your life remove them." What I am saying is how much of an investment are you giving them? If I have a friend who sucks me dry & I am spending 5 hours a week with them then wouldn't 1 hour be better & give the other 4 hours to someone or something that deserves that investment? I see too many people going through the daily routine of life & hating every moment of it. I don't understand why they stay stuck in the mud? You hold the cards. You hold the "money" to invest!

Change your investment portfolio. Switch to a low risk, high reward system. Cut the fat out of the budget & give your time to things that give back to you.

Recovery & Strength

I could sum up how things have gone recently as...(insert long pronounced sigh here)! Not bad, but not great either. Sara & I work at a school & so our year is based more on the school calendar then the yearly calendar. That being said, this "year" has been incredible. So many joys & exciting moments coupled with so many moments of sorrow & struggle. I feel as if God is taking our family through a refining process. All I have to say is I hope I look good & polished after this!

For all of you who are wondering, my surgery went incredibly well. The doctors were very pleased with the outcome. It appears that it is going to stop the problem & prevent cancer as they were hoping. The surgery is the easy part though for the patient. You're out cold & you have 6 people all working on you. The hard part is the recovery process. This recovery has brought with it many ups & downs. The pain I have felt through this process is hands down the worst I have ever felt. If you take the pain I felt when I blew my knee out the first time & times it by 10 you may be at the level I felt. My first two weeks were incredibly painful, but I worked through it with the sweet help of my loving wife. Pain medication & me typically don't mix very well so I did most of this without any medication which I'm sure intensified it even more. Currently I am doing very well. I am way ahead of schedule in my recovery process & learning how to eat again. I started with blending everything & am eating almost normal once again. However, I have to eat smaller & take much longer or things get stuck. I have had food stuck numerous times & let me tell you this...IT IS NOT FUN! It's a process of recovery that won't be complete until around Thanksgiving. I am so thankful for the surgery though. I have none of the pain I used to have & for the first time in over 10 years am able to sleep through the night without pain. I didn't realize how sleep deprived I really was until this surgery & I began to sleep normal again. What a blessing sleep is!

As Sara & I were reflecting on this "year" it amazed me at what has transpired. We lost our only Grandpa, we lost a Father, & we recently lost a family friend & someone who Sara was particularly close to. She suddenly passed away from Pancreatic Cancer (I know...been there done that before). We had numerous changes in our work, personal life, social network, & future planning (more on this in weeks to come). We also had a baby, won a state championship in basketball & many other big things, but minor considering everything else. I remember going to Disney World last July knowing that we were pregnant with precious little Jordan & not having too many cares in this world. WOW, what a year has changed. I am sitting in my office looking out into the bare & empty hallways of our school & reflecting on the year it has been. Sometimes things don't fully hit you until you slow down enough for the impact to happen. Now is that time for Sara & I. We are reflecting. We are reminiscing. We are giving thanks for the journey. We have had no choice but to grow through this process. One way or another we were going to be different through this year. It was just a matter of strength & joy or bitterness & sorrow.

The one thing that I keep hearing from my family, friends, co-workers, & my students is that they have been amazed at how I have handled everything this year. They are impressed with the strength that I seem to posses. Let me first start with death. I have this perspective on life of it being a journey. Everyone has their own journey & no matter how hard we may try we simply can't replicate anyone else's. It is unique to us. Along this journey we will all have times of great triumph & times of great sorrow & struggle. However, the main constant of it all is not how we get down this road or how fast or slow we travel it, but rather how we embrace it. The one common denominator of every ones journey though? They all end. In one way or another every ones journey comes to an end. Some seem like tragic endings, some seem to soon, & some seem like poetic justice to a life well lived.

The one thing I think I hold onto is not settling for my sorrow of missing someone, but rather contending for the memory of a life well lived by them. If life is a race that we are all running (Hebrews 12:1), then wouldn't you think Jesus is our biggest cheerleader? He is that over joyous dad at the finish line that is simply ecstatic when his kid crosses the line. He's that dad that bulls his way through security & embraces his son or daughter on finishing the race. So if life is a race that we are aiming to finish & finish well & Jesus is cheering us on then I imagine that meeting in Heaven would go something like this: "Well done! You made it. I'm so proud of you." Our rebuttal may be: "But Jesus, I ran an awful middle 100 meters & I stumbled around the final corner." "But you finished! You made it. All that work & you made it. I am so proud of you. Let's go out & celebrate!" I also figure that if are races aren't the same then some are made for different races. Some of us are made for sprints (100m), some of us are made for a mile run (400m), & some of us are set up for marathons. Why is a baby lost to some & a old man is lost to others? It's all about the race you're designed for. The greatest tragedy is not dying in my eyes. The greatest tragedy would be not effecting people around me by my loss.

Sara & I have gone through 3 deaths that shook us up pretty good in 8 months. However, how can I sit in sorrow when I think about where they are? A.W. Tozer said, “I can safely say, on the authority of all that is revealed in the Word of God, that any man or woman on this earth who is bored and turned off by worship is not ready for heaven.”  Whether it happened as small children or whether it happened late in their life, the three deaths happened at moments of worship. They happened with the individuals ready to embrace their God. A great family friend of ours put it this way on Saturday: "When you die you begin to go on a walk with Jesus. You begin to talk about what just happened & talk about life. Before you realize it, you look back & can't see home anymore. That's when Jesus says 'We're closer to my home then yours. How about we just go to my place.'" I thought that was a beautiful portrayal of what I have witnessed over the past year.

It is always easy to be strong when it's easy to be strong. "To hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart...that is true strength." I told our students in our last chapel together that growth is all about tests. You never know if you truly grew unless you test yourself. If all I did with my basketball teams was practice, we woul never know how much we've grown. You have to put yourself into situations to grow & to test growth. I have been tested this year & I feel I have grown because of it. Life is just simply a bunch of choices. I woke up every day saying "This is the day that my Lord has made & I will rejoice & be glad in it. I Trust you God & I know you have plans to prosper me & not to harm me. Today I choose joy!"

“How can I get away from your Spirit? Where can I go to escape from you? If I go up to the Heavens, you are there, If I lie down in the deepest parts of the earth, you are also there. Suppose I were to rise with the sun in the east and then cross over to the west where it sinks into the ocean. Your hand would always be there to guide me. Your right hand would still be holding me close.”
Ps.139:7-10

As Paul said, I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Strength is within us all. It is nothing great inside a few small people. It is within each of us. I do not want to be happy some days. I do not want to have it all together. Many times I have crumbled in Sara's arms & just cried. I will tell you this out of my journey though...Joy is so much sweeter than sorrow. It's hard to choose joy & then to have to choose it daily. Sometimes you have to choose it many times throughout even one day. It is worth it though. God is good & his blessing is amazing. Even through this year, He has been so faithful to provide all of my needs & open new doors of blessing.

As I close this year up, I summarize it by a quote from Max Lacado's 'Outlive Your Life'. "It’s not enough to do well. I want to do great. I want my life to matter. So, I'm living my life in such a way that the world will be glad I did." What do you choose today? My advice...choose strength & joy. You never know what it'll do to those around you, but you can count on it rocking your world!


My precious kids. I love them both to pieces!

Winds of change

I had everything at this point in my life that I wanted. I had a beautiful wife. I had a daughter that was full of joy. I had a son who is so sweet. I had a job as a campus pastor which was incredibly fulfilling. I had a job as a basketball coach. Life seemed so full & so incredibly satisfying. Then came news in February that felt like a punch to my gut. The news was vague but clear...I had growths on my esophagus & they feared cancer. I have undergone numerous tests that have been unpleasant to say the least. It has been a roller coaster of emotions that has left me feeling fine to feeling impending doom.

You have to understand the feeling that this gave me. My grandfather just died from esophagus cancer & my dad just died from cancer. I was in disbelief! I'm 25 years old! How in the heck does a 25 year old guy get something like esophagus cancer? It felt like the very things around me that I thought were fine & harmless were attacking me. It was as if this tornado of events was hurling things into my life at neck breaking speed & I was left to absorb the blows & still keep my head up.

After many tests the good news came back...NO CANCER! I was thrilled! The bad news? I still have big growths & severe scarring in my esophagus. Comments like "You are so young. We never see this in anyone under 50!" became the norm. To explain my condition, everyone has a valve at the bottom of your esophagus that remains closed. The only time it opens is when you swallow or vomit. Well mine is always open roughly 80% of the way. Acid & stomach bile constantly spill into my esophagus, scarring the inside lining. This leads to scarring & scarring in turn leads to abnormal growths which is what I have. With constant interaction to acid these growths quickly turn into cancer & without repair I was told I am two years tops away from having cancer.

My emotions now are a mixed bag. Part of me feels anxious & excited to fix the problem. Another part of me is nervous & annoyed I have to go through this.

I will be having a surgery called laparoscopic nissen fundoplication done on May 16th in Portland to repair my problem. They will be taking 20% of my stomach & wrapping it around my esophagus to strengthen it & to stop any further damage from happening. The surgery is quite invasive & will require me to be on a liquid diet for quite some time. It will be a little bit of a recovery, but it will fix my problem which I am thrilled about. I am at my wits end with my condition. Every time I eat, I constantly throw it up. I have intense heartburn that feels like someone is stabbing me. I have open wounds in my esophagus that hurt as I eat some foods. To get this fixed will be such a blessing. The good news is I should lose quite a bit of weight. The bad news is I will have to forever change my diet & will never be able to do any heavy lifting as it could ruin the surgery & they'd have to go in again.

After weeks of processing this information, I feel at peace. I know I don't have a choice about this surgery. It's not something I can elect to have or not have. I need it to remain healthy. I feel a calm about this surgery. I'm nervous, but I know that my God is bigger than any storm I may be going through on Earth. The one thing I do wish is that my Dad was here to talk with. He was always a rock for me & a sounding board for issues like this. He also went through some of these same issues.

What I do know though is I still have an amazing wife. I still have amazing kids. I still have an amazing family. I still have an amazing job. Life is good. Instead of wallowing in self pity I am praising in the storm. This too shall pass & at the end of the day I know God has a plan for me in all of this.

For God did not give us the spirit of fear, but of power, love, & a sound mind. - 2 Timothy 1:7

Growth

Growth can come in the most unexpected places sometimes. It can come when you least expect it or it can come when you're anxiously waiting with batied breath. It can come when you ask for it or it can come when you didn't even know you needed it.

Just as in the growth of a child, sometimes it can be challenging & sometimes even painful. The one thing you can count on though is it is fun to grow. I remember being a kid & loving the fact I was outgrowing my clothes & excited that I could reach the counter or that I was big enough to sit in the front seat of the car. Growth can be exillerating!

I have been going through much growth recently. Let me just run down the events of March alone...I found out I have a serious esophogus problem that will require surgery in the spring, our basketball team won its first ever boy's state championship, Sara & I welcomed our son Jordan Ezekiel to the world, & many things have been changing in regards to my jobs here at Western Mennonite School. It has been a flury of events that I didn't even realize the magnitude until I sat back last weekend & soaked it all in. I have grown! I have buds sprouting up all over me & around me.

I was given the greatest compliment I think I have ever been given yesterday by an amazing young man here at Western. He said in front of our student body that I inspire him to do greater things in his own life by me simply being me. Sometimes you don't realize what impact you are even giving. You may think you are simply a bud that is just sprouting out of the ground & is unoticed by most. However, to others you may be a beautiful, fully blooming flower that is radiant & astounding, rising in the sun & standing tall for all to see.

I am sitting in my office today on a beautiful spring day. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the breeze is blowing, & I sit here thankful. I am thankful for the growth that is taking place. I am thankful for the the things that have been pruned back in my life that growth might happen again. I am content & loving the stretching going on in my life. Are you growing? Just stop & take a look around you. You may not realize what you are becoming!

Trust

Do you trust me? Do you believe what I say? Would you trust me with your daughter? Would you trust me with your most valued possession? Do you believe in me to come through? Do you trust me enough to shine when the going gets tough?
DO YOU TRUST ME?!!?

Trust...it's such an obscure word. Webster defines it as: "reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, & surety, of a person or thing; confidence." A reliance. Stop to think just for a moment about that word...reliance. How many people do you really rely on? Your spouse? Your parents? Your friends? Your children? Your coworkers? Your God?

The fact is that most of us don't fully trust anyone. We are taught as young children that we can't rely on anyone but ourselves. We are taught that there are "bullies" & "mean spirited people" everywhere & the only way to deal with them is to be confident in ourselves & stand up to them. This immediately starts a transformation inside our little hearts to not rely on anyone because we can't control their responses. We only let people so close & stay on guard so we are ready for their uncontrollable responses. We are taught to be closed off. We are taught to be self sufficient & wonder why at some points we have no one around us.

It is scary not having control. It's like trusting a plane's auto pilot to actually work. I'm sure the first pilot to actually trust it was rather nervous. However, just like with anything, the more it proves itself to you the more you trust it. Why do we need trust to be earned though? Why do we put trust on a pedestal of something you have attain for each person in your life. Have we not fallen short of God's expectations for us? Have we not missed the mark a time or two? Yet, we don't have to earn back God's trust. He says whom the Son sets free is free indeed. I have forgiven you 70 x 7. As far as the east is from the west, that is as far as your transgressions are.

If God is our model, then shouldn't we learn to trust without prerequisites? Shouldn't we learn to believe the best no matter if you think the worst? Shouldn't we put ourselves out there & live a little instead of holding back for fear of getting hurt? On this Valentines Day...TRUST A LITTLE! Trust your spouse fully. Trust your children fully. Trust your coworkers fully. Trust your friends fully. Trust your God fully! Today, let go & rest in the freedom of trust & when someone screws up, forgive them, & then trust them again. You can't love without trust!

Love

I have been thinking a lot about love lately. What makes love true? What makes love pure? What makes love...well...last?!!?

You see in our society we have this strange view of love. We view it as selfish. Whether we like to admit it or not, we view love through the veil of "What's in it for me?" I've heard this type of love called "Eros" in the church before. It's the Greek term for "love with a hook." However, I think we take it a step further. Most of our fights with others is about how we feel. Most of our impatience is because of what we feel we need. Most of our anguish is self inflicted based on our perception of things.

I'm thinking hard about love as my son Jordan's birth is quickly approaching (39 days...but not like I'm counting or anything). I sat down yesterday & planned out my financial future with an advisor for almost 2 hours. I had been thinking about being without my family & how much I really do "love" them. Where does my love start & stop with them? Why am I more patient with my 18 month daughter then with a full grown adult? Is it because I assume they know better? Why is my love conditional sometimes?

My thoughts were quickly brought to my Mother. My Dad wasn't always the greatest husband or father. In fact, he was more of a loose cannon most times then a cozy blanket. I have heard many people ask my Mom in the past "Why didn't you just leave him?" or "Why didn't you demand better for yourself." Still, my Mother pursued my Dad & stood by him. I will never forget the story my Dad told me after he was diagnosed with terminal Pancreatic Cancer. He was in the garage & my Mom walked out there. With tears in his eyes he looked at her & asked, "Are you going to leave me now? I'd understand if you did..." My Mom told him she would stand by his side until the end because she loved him.

What ensued after that day can only be described as true, passionate love that none of us can even understand. She not only stayed, but she never left his side. Every appointment she held his hand & labored through the pain of Chemo & Radiation with him. She walked the golf course with him, she went shopping with him, she fed him, she bathed him, & she smiled even when she didn't want to. There were countless ups & downs over those 5 years & she was by his side every moment of it. My Mother has no regrets of "I wish I had done this..." because she didn't leave any room for them. She seized every moment with my Dad. They vacationed together, they flew in hot air balloons, they went on river boats, & they went fishing. I can not think of a day over the 5 years that my Mom was away from him. They were together so much, that I'm sure they both went nuts at times.

What is love? What is true love? What is pure love? What is lasting love? I believe love is staying when you don't want to. I believe love is not saying what you want to, but instead what the other person needs to hear. I believe love is holding onto every moment as if it's your last. I believe love is the spouse holding your hand through it all. I believe love is...well...my parents.

I never thought my parents were in love growing up. I never even thought they liked each other. I used to pray some days for them to get divorced as a little kid. However, when I look back on the 25 years I was around their marriage, I realize how much they truly did love each other. Love looks different to each person. They materialize it differently in each relationship they have. There's isn't a set way to love someone. It has to be authentic & real. That is the only prerequisite. My Mom had every right to leave my Dad many times, but she didn't...she stayed! Not only did she stay, she walked with him every step of the way. I'm reminded of Sara's favorite poem. When my Dad got tired & couldn't "walk" anymore, my Mom carried him. Now that my Dad is in Heaven, I think about his love for my Mom often. The last conscience thing that my Dad did on this earth was ask my Mom to kiss him on the lips. If you had seen my Dad in the ICU you would have seen the most blistered lips you had ever seen. They were swollen & sore, bleeding & oozing. Yet, he looked my Mom in the eyes, told her he loved her, & kissed her one last time.

My Dad had told me so many times in recent months before his death how much he was amazed at my Mom. He couldn't believe she stayed. He had such a deeper love & appreciation for my Mom for being with him over the "hell" of the past 5 years. He watched many of his friends walk away from their sick wives & he was amazed my Mom loved him enough to walk through the fire with him.

When I think about my loving wife, my amazing daughter, & my son on the way I am reminded about the legacy of love my parents passed on to me. I love my wife with everything I have. I would do anything for my precious bride. She is my best friend, the love of my life, my passion, & the joy of everyday. My daughter is the most precious gift I could have asked for. She makes me smile just by looking at me. She is my world. I feel the same about my son already & I haven't even seen his little face yet. What is love to me? Love is walking arm & arm together no matter what. Love is never quitting. Love is...faithfulness!

Mom...Dad...I honor you today. Sara, Allison, & I are better people today for having you in our lives. What a true example of what love is. Today we are honored to be your children!

Spiritual Blog

For those of you who follow this blog, I have also started a new blog. This blog is the Spiritual Life blog for Western Mennonite School. I am in charge of the Spiritual Life at Western & I will be writing little snipets every week about what is being spoken at school & also spiritual truth. If you are interested in getting good truth...check it out. It will be worth your while from week to week. It will also give you insight into our school.

http://wmspirituallife.blogspot.com/

Hope you are all doing well. I know I haven't checked in for a while. I will update soon, once I get my feet back under me. Lots to update...