Friday, November 19, 2010

Identity

I have been in deep thought lately about one thing...WHO AM I? Many times I think about how I view myself or how others see me, yet I always come away from that thinking, "I'm nothing special." Don't get me wrong, I am not here implying that I think bad of myself or am worried about the views, expressions, or implications made by other people. I simply wonder what people think of me or what I truly think of myself.

In losing a Grandfather & a Father in less then 2 weeks, I have found myself contemplating my identity. If I were to die, what would people say about me at a memorial service? Would they value their time with me & wish for more? Would they be sad I'm gone, but be relieved I'm not longer here? Would they tell of my story, character, & presence or would they be grasping at straws to say nice things? What identity would shine through at that moment? It is the perfect example of your legacy when people gather to comemorate your life.

Yet, profoundly I was brought to Matthew 16:15-17. Jesus himself looked at his disciples, facing his own death, & said "Who do you say I am?" See Jesus wanted to know who they truly thought he was. Not the right answer, not the feel good answer, & not even the elequent answer. He simply wanted the truth...WHO DO YOU SAY I AM? I know how Jesus see's me. He see's me as His beloved, His chosen one, His treasure, & His child! I am confident & comfortable in my identity in Christ. But, who do YOU say that I am?

You see, I can live in my religious bubble, go to church every Sunday, "pray" for people when they need it, & walk an upright & moral life. However, what difference am I really making on the world? Matthew 5:16 talks about letting your light shine before men. As religous people, we get so caught up on doing the right thing, not sinning, & being a good person. I'm here to say today that I don't want to just be a good person. I don't want people to just say about me at my memorial service that I lived a great life. I don't want people to just say that I had great character. I don't want people to say just say that I will be greatly missed.

If all I live for is to be a good Christian, then I believe I have missed Jesus' point all together. Jesus came to do away with the law/religion so that we may "live life to the fullest" (John 10:10). Jesus said in John 14:12 that we will do even greater things then He did.

When I pass away, I want it to be said of me:
  • He walked in power
  • He healed the sick
  • He saved the lost
  • He served the downtrodden
  • He layed his life down for his friends
  • He moved me to righteousness
  • He led me into Jesus' arms
  • He walked his faith out with such authority
  • He mentored
  • He discipled
  • He LOVED
My Grandfather & Father lived great lives & were great men that I highly respect & miss. However, in reflection of them I realize now more then ever that their ceiling is my floor. The legacy that they left is where I get to begin. I want so much more for myself & in all respect I know they would want that for me too. I want so much more for my children.

What is my identity? Who am I? I am...Robby David Gilliam. I am firmly established in His grip. I am annointed for such a time as this to do greater things on this earth. I am...ME! Are you?

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Memory Lane

(My Dad with us in August for his 65th birthday)
 My Dad has struggled through many illnesses over the past 5 1/2 years. He first got diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer in the Spring of 2005. He battled through radiation, chemo therapy, massive surgury, numerous invasive procedures, & sickness. He looked cancer in the eye, laughed, & said "is this all you got?" That's just the type of guy my dad was. He most recently got diagnosed with liver failure. This was a battle he was prepared to fight just as hard & long as he fought everything else. However, this was a battle he didn't have the strength to stand up to.

My dad had a health scare on October 19th at home & my mom rushed him to the emergency room. We learned that my dad's organs were shutting down & the liver failure had finally caught up to him. Our entire family spent the next 10 days visiting my dad in the ICU everyday. We had great conversation with my dad everyday. We talked about memories, talked about how much we loved each other, talked about God, talked about Heaven & what it will be like, we talked about how to go on without him, we talked about how he felt about all of us, we talked about taking care of each other, & the most important thing is my dad was at total peace over his stay in the hospital.
(My happy, good-looking dad)
 I got a phone call from my mom at work on Friday. She explained to me that the doctor & my dad had both made the comment that "He wasn't going to make it past today." I got in touch with all of my sisters & we all rushed over to the hospital. When we arrived, my dad was alert, smiling, & very stoic. He explained that "today was Game Day & that he knew everything was coming to an end on earth for him." We spent the next hours remincing, praying, & talking about him going to spend time with Jesus. The best part was my Dad got to pass along a final blessing. My Dad looked me in the eyes & told me "You are the best kid I have ever known." I can't tell you how good it was to hear that, but yet hard to hear at the same time. It was so cool to hear your Father on his death bed, share how proud of you he was. My dad then gave all 5 of us kids very simple, but direct instructions: "I love you all very much and am so proud of each of you. Take care of each & your mother. & please keep doing God's work." My Dad had a heart connection with God about 9 days prior & was enamoured with the thought of going home to Heaven. It was amazing to hear what I would call a Abraham/Isaac blessing from my father before he passed.

Many things transpired over the next few hours after my dad gave us his goodbye commision. To explain in words without me sharing the full experience wouldn't do it justice. However, what I will say is October 29th was the most amazing day of my life. My dad peacefully & bravely went home to be with Jesus at 9:50 pm. We were all there with my dad the moment he dad. It was such a spiritual & peaceful moment for us all. We couldn't of asked for anything better. We all got to experience it & say goodbye to my dad as he passed away.

I will miss my dad forever & remember all of the good times with him. I had the privelage of becomming very close to my dad over the last 5 years. We became dear friends & talked about almost everything. I got to know my dad on such a deep level & because of that to see him go Friday was exactly how he would have wanted. He was a great man that once you dove past his exterior, you were amazed by his character. I love my dad & will miss him, but he taught me so much that his legacy will live on everyday of my life.
(My Dad & Mouse in August)
 Three weeks ago Sara's Grandpa "Mouse" passed away. His legacy was just as vast as my dad & he was an amazing man in his own right. I only got the privelage of being around him for 5 years, but he was one of the best men I have ever met. He always had a smile on his face & he always wanted you to know how special you were. He was a dad/grandpa/uncle to everyone he met regardless of blood relation.

My dad & him both found out about their cancer around the same time. They both fought it extremely hard & survived much longer than any doctor had projected. Through the years of Sara & I getting married & starting a family, my dad & mouse became "fighting partners" as my dad affectionetly termed it. In August at Ally's 1-year birthday party, they were all smiles. They told each other to keep fighting, to make sure their families knew how they felt about them, & to keep smiling & trusting God no matter what. When Mouse suddenely passed away 3 weeks ago, my dad was devestated. He shared how much he cared about Mouse & how much having a "fighting partner" meant to him. Oddly, my dad went downhill one week exactly after Mouse had passed away.

I will miss Mouse & Dad dearly. They were fantastic guys & I feel honored to of called them family. I can't wait to tell my kids stories about them & how great their Great-Grandpa & Grandpa were.

This week is "Spiritual Renewal Week" at Western Mennonite. Obviously this is a huge week for me as I'm in charge of it & still dealing with all of my family stuff. The cool thing is what God is doing through all of this. We have had 24 students give their hearts to God for the first time or rededicate. We have had countless others want to linger in God's presence & pray for their friends to find the truth. It has been such an amazing, yet simplistic showing of God's love & favor over our campus. I have been so encouraged this week as our students have really opened themselves up for God to speak into their lives. 

God is faithful & always knows what we need before we even do. This week has been really hard for Sara, Ally & I, but we are hanging in there & trusting in God's grace & peace. I have connected with this video & it has been my guiding force through this week...