Winds of change

I had everything at this point in my life that I wanted. I had a beautiful wife. I had a daughter that was full of joy. I had a son who is so sweet. I had a job as a campus pastor which was incredibly fulfilling. I had a job as a basketball coach. Life seemed so full & so incredibly satisfying. Then came news in February that felt like a punch to my gut. The news was vague but clear...I had growths on my esophagus & they feared cancer. I have undergone numerous tests that have been unpleasant to say the least. It has been a roller coaster of emotions that has left me feeling fine to feeling impending doom.

You have to understand the feeling that this gave me. My grandfather just died from esophagus cancer & my dad just died from cancer. I was in disbelief! I'm 25 years old! How in the heck does a 25 year old guy get something like esophagus cancer? It felt like the very things around me that I thought were fine & harmless were attacking me. It was as if this tornado of events was hurling things into my life at neck breaking speed & I was left to absorb the blows & still keep my head up.

After many tests the good news came back...NO CANCER! I was thrilled! The bad news? I still have big growths & severe scarring in my esophagus. Comments like "You are so young. We never see this in anyone under 50!" became the norm. To explain my condition, everyone has a valve at the bottom of your esophagus that remains closed. The only time it opens is when you swallow or vomit. Well mine is always open roughly 80% of the way. Acid & stomach bile constantly spill into my esophagus, scarring the inside lining. This leads to scarring & scarring in turn leads to abnormal growths which is what I have. With constant interaction to acid these growths quickly turn into cancer & without repair I was told I am two years tops away from having cancer.

My emotions now are a mixed bag. Part of me feels anxious & excited to fix the problem. Another part of me is nervous & annoyed I have to go through this.

I will be having a surgery called laparoscopic nissen fundoplication done on May 16th in Portland to repair my problem. They will be taking 20% of my stomach & wrapping it around my esophagus to strengthen it & to stop any further damage from happening. The surgery is quite invasive & will require me to be on a liquid diet for quite some time. It will be a little bit of a recovery, but it will fix my problem which I am thrilled about. I am at my wits end with my condition. Every time I eat, I constantly throw it up. I have intense heartburn that feels like someone is stabbing me. I have open wounds in my esophagus that hurt as I eat some foods. To get this fixed will be such a blessing. The good news is I should lose quite a bit of weight. The bad news is I will have to forever change my diet & will never be able to do any heavy lifting as it could ruin the surgery & they'd have to go in again.

After weeks of processing this information, I feel at peace. I know I don't have a choice about this surgery. It's not something I can elect to have or not have. I need it to remain healthy. I feel a calm about this surgery. I'm nervous, but I know that my God is bigger than any storm I may be going through on Earth. The one thing I do wish is that my Dad was here to talk with. He was always a rock for me & a sounding board for issues like this. He also went through some of these same issues.

What I do know though is I still have an amazing wife. I still have amazing kids. I still have an amazing family. I still have an amazing job. Life is good. Instead of wallowing in self pity I am praising in the storm. This too shall pass & at the end of the day I know God has a plan for me in all of this.

For God did not give us the spirit of fear, but of power, love, & a sound mind. - 2 Timothy 1:7

Growth

Growth can come in the most unexpected places sometimes. It can come when you least expect it or it can come when you're anxiously waiting with batied breath. It can come when you ask for it or it can come when you didn't even know you needed it.

Just as in the growth of a child, sometimes it can be challenging & sometimes even painful. The one thing you can count on though is it is fun to grow. I remember being a kid & loving the fact I was outgrowing my clothes & excited that I could reach the counter or that I was big enough to sit in the front seat of the car. Growth can be exillerating!

I have been going through much growth recently. Let me just run down the events of March alone...I found out I have a serious esophogus problem that will require surgery in the spring, our basketball team won its first ever boy's state championship, Sara & I welcomed our son Jordan Ezekiel to the world, & many things have been changing in regards to my jobs here at Western Mennonite School. It has been a flury of events that I didn't even realize the magnitude until I sat back last weekend & soaked it all in. I have grown! I have buds sprouting up all over me & around me.

I was given the greatest compliment I think I have ever been given yesterday by an amazing young man here at Western. He said in front of our student body that I inspire him to do greater things in his own life by me simply being me. Sometimes you don't realize what impact you are even giving. You may think you are simply a bud that is just sprouting out of the ground & is unoticed by most. However, to others you may be a beautiful, fully blooming flower that is radiant & astounding, rising in the sun & standing tall for all to see.

I am sitting in my office today on a beautiful spring day. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the breeze is blowing, & I sit here thankful. I am thankful for the growth that is taking place. I am thankful for the the things that have been pruned back in my life that growth might happen again. I am content & loving the stretching going on in my life. Are you growing? Just stop & take a look around you. You may not realize what you are becoming!

Trust

Do you trust me? Do you believe what I say? Would you trust me with your daughter? Would you trust me with your most valued possession? Do you believe in me to come through? Do you trust me enough to shine when the going gets tough?
DO YOU TRUST ME?!!?

Trust...it's such an obscure word. Webster defines it as: "reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, & surety, of a person or thing; confidence." A reliance. Stop to think just for a moment about that word...reliance. How many people do you really rely on? Your spouse? Your parents? Your friends? Your children? Your coworkers? Your God?

The fact is that most of us don't fully trust anyone. We are taught as young children that we can't rely on anyone but ourselves. We are taught that there are "bullies" & "mean spirited people" everywhere & the only way to deal with them is to be confident in ourselves & stand up to them. This immediately starts a transformation inside our little hearts to not rely on anyone because we can't control their responses. We only let people so close & stay on guard so we are ready for their uncontrollable responses. We are taught to be closed off. We are taught to be self sufficient & wonder why at some points we have no one around us.

It is scary not having control. It's like trusting a plane's auto pilot to actually work. I'm sure the first pilot to actually trust it was rather nervous. However, just like with anything, the more it proves itself to you the more you trust it. Why do we need trust to be earned though? Why do we put trust on a pedestal of something you have attain for each person in your life. Have we not fallen short of God's expectations for us? Have we not missed the mark a time or two? Yet, we don't have to earn back God's trust. He says whom the Son sets free is free indeed. I have forgiven you 70 x 7. As far as the east is from the west, that is as far as your transgressions are.

If God is our model, then shouldn't we learn to trust without prerequisites? Shouldn't we learn to believe the best no matter if you think the worst? Shouldn't we put ourselves out there & live a little instead of holding back for fear of getting hurt? On this Valentines Day...TRUST A LITTLE! Trust your spouse fully. Trust your children fully. Trust your coworkers fully. Trust your friends fully. Trust your God fully! Today, let go & rest in the freedom of trust & when someone screws up, forgive them, & then trust them again. You can't love without trust!