Memory Lane

(My Dad with us in August for his 65th birthday)

 My Dad has struggled through many illnesses over the past 5 1/2 years. He first got diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer in the Spring of 2005. He battled through radiation, chemo therapy, massive surgury, numerous invasive procedures, & sickness. He looked cancer in the eye, laughed, & said "is this all you got?" That's just the type of guy my dad was. He most recently got diagnosed with liver failure. This was a battle he was prepared to fight just as hard & long as he fought everything else. However, this was a battle he didn't have the strength to stand up to.

My dad had a health scare on October 19th at home & my mom rushed him to the emergency room. We learned that my dad's organs were shutting down & the liver failure had finally caught up to him. Our entire family spent the next 10 days visiting my dad in the ICU everyday. We had great conversation with my dad everyday. We talked about memories, talked about how much we loved each other, talked about God, talked about Heaven & what it will be like, we talked about how to go on without him, we talked about how he felt about all of us, we talked about taking care of each other, & the most important thing is my dad was at total peace over his stay in the hospital.

(My happy, good-looking dad)

 I got a phone call from my mom at work on Friday. She explained to me that the doctor & my dad had both made the comment that "He wasn't going to make it past today." I got in touch with all of my sisters & we all rushed over to the hospital. When we arrived, my dad was alert, smiling, & very stoic. He explained that "today was Game Day & that he knew everything was coming to an end on earth for him." We spent the next hours remincing, praying, & talking about him going to spend time with Jesus. The best part was my Dad got to pass along a final blessing. My Dad looked me in the eyes & told me "You are the best kid I have ever known." I can't tell you how good it was to hear that, but yet hard to hear at the same time. It was so cool to hear your Father on his death bed, share how proud of you he was. My dad then gave all 5 of us kids very simple, but direct instructions: "I love you all very much and am so proud of each of you. Take care of each & your mother. & please keep doing God's work." My Dad had a heart connection with God about 9 days prior & was enamoured with the thought of going home to Heaven. It was amazing to hear what I would call a Abraham/Isaac blessing from my father before he passed.

Many things transpired over the next few hours after my dad gave us his goodbye commision. To explain in words without me sharing the full experience wouldn't do it justice. However, what I will say is October 29th was the most amazing day of my life. My dad peacefully & bravely went home to be with Jesus at 9:50 pm. We were all there with my dad the moment he dad. It was such a spiritual & peaceful moment for us all. We couldn't of asked for anything better. We all got to experience it & say goodbye to my dad as he passed away.

I will miss my dad forever & remember all of the good times with him. I had the privelage of becomming very close to my dad over the last 5 years. We became dear friends & talked about almost everything. I got to know my dad on such a deep level & because of that to see him go Friday was exactly how he would have wanted. He was a great man that once you dove past his exterior, you were amazed by his character. I love my dad & will miss him, but he taught me so much that his legacy will live on everyday of my life.

(My Dad & Mouse in August)

 Three weeks ago Sara's Grandpa "Mouse" passed away. His legacy was just as vast as my dad & he was an amazing man in his own right. I only got the privelage of being around him for 5 years, but he was one of the best men I have ever met. He always had a smile on his face & he always wanted you to know how special you were. He was a dad/grandpa/uncle to everyone he met regardless of blood relation.

My dad & him both found out about their cancer around the same time. They both fought it extremely hard & survived much longer than any doctor had projected. Through the years of Sara & I getting married & starting a family, my dad & mouse became "fighting partners" as my dad affectionetly termed it. In August at Ally's 1-year birthday party, they were all smiles. They told each other to keep fighting, to make sure their families knew how they felt about them, & to keep smiling & trusting God no matter what. When Mouse suddenely passed away 3 weeks ago, my dad was devestated. He shared how much he cared about Mouse & how much having a "fighting partner" meant to him. Oddly, my dad went downhill one week exactly after Mouse had passed away.

I will miss Mouse & Dad dearly. They were fantastic guys & I feel honored to of called them family. I can't wait to tell my kids stories about them & how great their Great-Grandpa & Grandpa were.

This week is "Spiritual Renewal Week" at Western Mennonite. Obviously this is a huge week for me as I'm in charge of it & still dealing with all of my family stuff. The cool thing is what God is doing through all of this. We have had 24 students give their hearts to God for the first time or rededicate. We have had countless others want to linger in God's presence & pray for their friends to find the truth. It has been such an amazing, yet simplistic showing of God's love & favor over our campus. I have been so encouraged this week as our students have really opened themselves up for God to speak into their lives. 

God is faithful & always knows what we need before we even do. This week has been really hard for Sara, Ally & I, but we are hanging in there & trusting in God's grace & peace. I have connected with this video & it has been my guiding force through this week...

Baggage

Baggage...we all have it, but why? As little kids we are raised to keep baggage. From the first time someone lies to you, to the first time you are told no, to the first time you fail, to our families, to personal sin or struggle. We all slowely hold our hurts close to us. Just as you see in any airport, everyone has their own type of luggage. It looks different for each people. Some try to disguise theirs with bright colors & radient designs. Some choose boxes, some choose boxes on wheels, some choose small carry bags, but in the end it is all baggage.

We can put anything into our luggage through the years. We pack away our hurts & carry them with us. We pack away the Bible that people may have forced on us. We pack away the "What if's" in life. Here's the kicker though...we pack away our dreams in the farthest & deepest corner of our baggage. It is impossible to fulfill, live out, or even ponder our dreams without dealing with our hurt, past, & insecurities. The thought of dumping all of our luggage to find our dreams again is so taxing that we just choose to continue carrying those heavy things around. Even worse, we think it would be so embarrassing to reveal what is in our bags so we refuse anyone to even help us carry them. "Giving them up? psssh...I'm just trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I have no energy to even think about working through my stuff!"

& so we continue. We continue to hurt. We continue to just get by. We continue to stumble through our lives lugging these huge bags around with us. They entangle us & engulf us. We think that they don't affect us, but the reality is that every decision we make is with these bags in mind. "Oh, I can't do that. I'm no good at that." or "I'll never be any good at that...you don't know my past." So we struggle & struggle & struggle hoping that someday we'll figure it out.

What breaks my heart is that we believe the lie that we have to carry around our baggage! John 8:36 says "So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free." Why do we struggle through our life & try to crawl to the cross when we are already free? Why do we beat ourselves up thinking we have to come to the Father beaten, battered, & bruised? Christ didn't forgive you & go to the cross because we asked for it & deserved his grace. He went because he knew we needed it & CHOSE to deliver us before we even knew we needed it. Everything you have done & anything you will do in the future is already forgiven. Jesus didn't say to the man, "You're forgiven, but just this once." NO! He said, "You are forgiven!" We walk in shame & believe lies. We are forgiven. The contents of our baggage are already on the cross. Why are we choosing to carry around momentoes to remind us of who we were? Jesus said "You are new creations!" Live in freedom. Live with unabandoned love & grace that is freely given to you each & every day. Let go of your condemnation, guilt, shame, & past. Release the baggage of life. There is a great video I want to share that I think wraps up my thought:

As for Sara & I...we are doing extremely well. Allison is getting bigger by the day. She is walking everywhere & trying to talk any chance she gets. Sara has been doing well as we prepare for baby Gilliam #2. We will be having the baby on March 15th & we are extremely excited to meet our new addition. I am adjusting well to my new position at Western. I am loving working with the kids & the spiritual climate of Western seems like it is about to explode. God has been so faithful in my transition to this new job & as busy as it keeps me, I truly do love it.

As for our families, things have been a little rough. My parents have been struggling through health concerns. They are both doing ok, but everyday it seems like something new pops up with them. I just pray each day that they both will find rest. To top it off, they moved this month. So it has been a LONG week for Sara, my sister Shelly & I moving them. Hopefully we will move the last of their stuff tonight out of a house they have lived in for 13 years.

On another note, Sara's Grandpa is battling through cancer. It has been a long journey for him & it appears he is coming to the end of his long battle with it. It has been tough seeing him struggle through this debilitating disease, but we have been blessed to have so many good times with him. We had a great visit with him on Saturday & we are trusting God to be in control no matter what happens in the coming days.

Other than that, life has been good for Sara & I. We feel so blessed & so thankful for God's provision in our life. Life changes are never easy, but if you focus on the future & let the past be the past, we have found such great joy even through the storms of life.

Happy Birthday Allison

Today marks Allison Faith Gilliam's 1st birthday! I remember this day last year vividly in my memory. I remember eating Chinese food with Sara after our final OB appointment. I remember the food making her stomach ache so we went for a 2 hour walk in the gym. I remember her water breaking in bed at 2am. I remember thinking she "wet" the bed & we went back to sleep after changing the sheets. I remember driving to the hospital at 3:30am after we realized it was her water breaking. I remember the 10 hour, no drug, labor my wife went through & thinking she was my hero after seeing how amazing she did. I remember the pure joy of seeing my daughter pulled out of my wife's stomach after an emergency C-section. I remember cutting my daughter's umbilical cord. I remember naming her while our family proudly snapped pictures. 

What a beautiful day it was to invite little Allison Faith into the world. We thought she was absolutely gorgeous...yes, even despite the massive cone-head!

No Ally is not so little anymore. She is crawling at top speed, starting to walk everywhere, saying every word she can possibly learn to say, & making our lives incredible by her being in it. She is so much fun to be around. I have not had Ally around anyone who has not said, "My goodness, she is such a happy baby." She is always laughing, smiling, talking, waving, or doing her "tricks" for people. Her new favorite is pictured above. She will stand on her head & look between her legs. She thinks she is sooooo cool when she does it. I'm trying to teach her how to do a somersault as she is so close, but she's not quite there yet. 

Ally, we love you! You are such a blessing & a joy to have in our life. We are so excited for all of your new adventures. (Her first one starts today... car seat facing forward!)

Another thought that has had me pondering is the idea of grace. I know grace comes from Jesus & Jesus is quoted as actually saying he IS grace. I got all that. The thing that has Sara & I amazed this week is a simple thought our pastor said on Sunday. He was sharing the story where the Pharasee's where about ready to stone a woman & Jesus said "let you without sin throw the first stone." Great story, but not new revelation. I've heard it a hundred times. Here's the pondering thought. Jesus told her when asked why he did it "you are forgiven! Now go & sin no more." That is the perfect enactment of grace right there. How often in our lives do we say without really meaning to say "now go, sin no more & THEN you will be forgiven." It's like we want a penchant for the other persons sin.

Have you ever said, heard, or thought "I know your sorry, but I'm still hurt at what you did!" It is our self emotion getting in the way of their forgiveness & their release. If someone lies to you, why do we get so offended? If someone betrays you, why do we get so hurt? If someone talks bad about you, why do we get all depressed? Jesus didn't. He said "YOU ARE FORGIVEN ALREADY! Now go & sin no more." Simple, yet profound. If you can truly die to self where you emotions are no longer an issue, things will become so much more clear. Your emotions are what skew your vision. Your emotions are what get you thinking about I & not we. Your emotions are the very essence of 'self'. Emotions can be used for good in so many areas, but only when they are thinking about others. Once your emotions become about you, look out...a selfish moment is coming.

Are you holding a grudge? Are you holding onto past hurt? Are you waiting for someone else to fix the hurt for you? Are you waiting for the person who wronged you to sweep you off your feet? Maybe it's not them who needs to move on. Maybe you are letting your emotions rule?

LET THEM WITHOUT SIN THROW THE FIRST STONE. SEE, I AM FORGIVEN & SO ARE YOU! NO BIG DEAL...LET'S MOVE ON, ENJOY LIFE, & SIN NO MORE BECAUSE GOD KNOWS I WILL SCREW UP SOON TOO.